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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Deal-breakers of our marriages

‘A fine marriage is like a fine wine. It improves with age.’ Of course yes…but after a wedding who cares to make it fine or how many are even ready to think about it?

In our system, normally all parents are worried more about the boy’s/girl’s family background in terms of caste, education, wealth and whether the family is labeled ‘good’. I wonder how they conclude that the family is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Any ways, a wedding happens after scrutinizing most aspects and satisfying the majority of terms and conditions, if not all. Then, why do marriages fail several times…even the properly done arranged marriages? Many relationships end bitterly in a very shot time…why?

Even though the changing lifestyle is cited as one of major reasons, in my experience is not the real destroyer. Many elderly people are escaping from the real facts. If one observes the post-marital scenario closely, regular causes behind broken/sour marriages are mainly dowry issues, conflicts between the elders of both families or the girl and in-laws (interestingly not between the couple), sufferings in the hands of in-laws, labeled short-comings in the customs supposed to be followed by the girl’s side (in most situations the boy’s side can behave in the way they want or think is right). In the present society, where the girls and boys are treated equal in most aspects, why we are still sticking to many hopeless customs when it comes to marriage. Many times instead of bringing prosperity, these hopeless things are the deal breakers.

Have anybody ever bothered about speaking to the couple whether they feel fine after marriage, find out the problems they are facing may be in understanding each other and helping them in sorting the differences out? Huh, most elders don’t have enough time to watch the girl’s behavior, her family and criticize whenever possible. They are more bothered about whether her family respects (!) their son in the way they want and what has been done from her side for Aadi, Diwali and Pongal. Do they feel these are the aspects which can make a marriage fine?

They want the girl to follow their practices on her own. How will it happen from the next day of marriage…she should at least be made aware of what is expected from her isn’t? Does anybody bother to make her comfortable in the new environment, speak to her about her brought up/regular schedule, daily activities and tell her the need/importance of following the customs and practices in the new environment? Most in-laws however are more concerned about stabilizing their position in their son’s mind.

In our system, most of the times, two entirely unfamiliar people come together…sometimes the differences are huge. They need time first to understand each other better…am not saying that people should change their personalities…it’s about understanding first so that they can better adjust. But, before this happens, other aspects/issues peep in, which many times instead of strengthening a marriage, does the job of a destructor. The couple instead of strengthening their relationships starts quarrelling backing their family/parent’s stands. Customs are made for people but these days the reverse is happening.

And everybody involved, don’t be authoritative and don’t think you are superior. Please understand that everybody have the right to express and enjoy at least minimum freedom. Support us to live our lives

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